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Pain and Joy

One day, we were studying about joy and thanksgiving in the midst of pain and trial. I lacerated two fingers and broke one bone the day after. It hurt more than I could imagine, but there were certainly some benefits.

Those times still come and go when you wonder why you’re still here, what’s the point, when will it ever make sense. These two weeks, I have seen how much my family and coworkers must compensate for merely a broken finger. The next time it crosses your mind that your presence is unnecessary, just tell that lie to go back to hell.

The initial pain of the incident felt like natural childbirth, though not quite The Ring of Fire. The first four days of recovery felt like menstrual cramps contained within one joint – the inflammation, swelling, irritability, sensitivity to temperatures and breezes. (If a gentleman wants to understand the repeated discomfort a lady experiences, go break a finger.) An eye-opening experience for me.

When I could stomach the sight of my phalanges again, I was fascinated by the doctor’s ability to sew a fingernail back onto a digit. I didn’t know this was possible. Now the wounds are sealed, the body’s ability to compensate, swell, bruise, heal, and grow confounds me anew. Some things you think about quite a bit when you’re little and then you mature and forget the awe of natural life. Nothing like a good crack in the hand to remind a person.

The incident reminded me of a book I once read about the introduction of anesthetics to surgery in the 1840s. Though I had to recover from painkilling drugs, I am reminded how shock from even a minor injury could really fling homeostasis into a fatal spiral. I am thankful for the time and place were such drugs are available for trauma patients.

As it turns out, my mind needed the reset. I had days of no responsibilities and no space to ruminate on anything aside from my hand. Pain. Swelling. Meds. Rest. If I really focused, I could update my boss or pay a bill. But this incident gave my mind a much needed respite from weeks of built up mental stress.

This week, I’ve been able to drive and clean house. I’ve been able to enjoy being a full-time mom, taking more time to listen, doctor coughs, delegate chores, talk through assignments at the pace I’ve always wanted to take with my children. We can make waffles, finish making those aprons I started ages ago, do errands together. Sweet presence I haven’t had with them in ages.

So, good timing on the “joy in trials” sermon. I can give thanks in the pain. He always has provided what I need when I need it.

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Safely Landed

I’ve found another weird territory. No physical threats. No counting pennies to make sure the budget doesn’t crash. No washing blankets by hand. No boarded-up windows. No clogged drains. No addicts under the same roof. No mouse or insect infestations. No limit on fresh produce. No one telling me I can’t go to church or see a movie.

I can read, watch, listen to anything I want. I can rest whenever I need to. I can recuperate when I’m sick. I can make a budget. Change fixtures. Cook what I like. Plant what I like. Speak to whomever I like. Take my dog on a drive listening to Patty Gurdy.

How do you learn to live in normalcy again? It feels alien, but I don’t want to get used to it. I don’t want to forget the privilege it is to have individual agency.

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Bouquet

“I don’t want flowers. They’ll just die.”

Getting flowers touches my heart like nothing else. Things don’t have to be indestructible to be worthy of appreciation. Shape, shade, color, contrast, scent. Like a sunset, no two are quite the same.

In a new life when you aren’t sure what is real or what to feel, what to think, appreciating natural beauty is a grounding experience. It reminds me of how infinite The Creator is, and how finite this life will be.

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Allergies

I’m back living in town. Among the Elm trees. Smack dab in the middle of every harvest in the county. Hello, allergies. I didn’t miss you.

Silage, corn pollen, and now corn chaff are filling my head. Even smoke from California is still drifting over.

On my daily route, I can see Mt. Rabbit Ears just over the state line in New Mexico. Earlier this year, it was clear and blue. This month, the horizon has been hazy white, and there have been a couple of days when I couldn’t see Rabbit Ears at all.

I am told it could be November before the air clears.

The best thing I have found for my allergies has been the local raw milk – which can no longer be delivered to town. (Thanks, Biden gas prices.)

The goal is no longer to make my voice sound normal again, or to stop the discomfort. The goal is to prevent sinus infection from setting in. Nasal rinses, eye rinses, mouthwash, medication to stop the congestion or to keep it moving, good ‘ol vitamins, elderberry, and an herbal anti-parasitic to be sure my system isn’t overburdened with bugs on top of everything else. When, and only when, the signs of infection have begun, I take a tsp of colloidal silver and those signs clear right up.

There is a promise of rain before the week is out! No ill will to harvesters, but I anticipate the moisture. Some sweet relief of a cleansing rain…

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Life after Death

It’s Fall. The Fall Feasts are underway, the Fall winds and gradual temperature drops have begun, and as I remember the people and things I have lost at this season in previous years, many neighbors are suffering new losses.

Parents, a pastor, a baby, teens. Natural causes, illnesses, suicide, and wrecks. There are so many griefs piling up, I started dreading the notification ding of the church app. Who is getting hit next?

It is a season when all we can do is hang on and keep fighting. And remember.

There is One Who has redeemed and conquered all. As tired as we are, there is a hope that never fails. We have each other, bound by the love He gave us. His grace is sufficient.

Many times I’m tried and tested
As I travel day by day.
‘Oft I meet with pain and sorrow
And there’s trouble in the way.
But I have a sweet assurance
That my soul, the Lord will lead.
And in Him there is strength for every need.

Oh, His grace is sufficient for me.
And His love is abundant and free.
And what joy fills my soul,
Just to know, just to know
That His grace is sufficient for me.

When the tempter brings confusion
And I don’t know what to do,
On my knees I turn to Jesus
For He’ll always see me through.
Then despair is changed to victory.
Every doubt just melts away
And in Him there is hope for everyday.

Oh, His grace is sufficient for me.
And His love is abundant and free.
And what joy fills my soul,
Just to know, just to know
That His grace is sufficient for me.

And what joy fills my soul,
Just to know, just to know
That His grace is sufficient for me

Written by Mosie Lister; Published by Mosie Lister Songs/Southern Faith Songs

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Dead on the Vine

Things are getting better all the time. Dependable food, housing, and transportation have blessed the kids and me. Support from school, church, family, and friends has been wonderfully helpful. There are some hopes and dreams sprouting.

Grief still has its waves. My mind has been tornadic. My feelings easily ruffled. Then I remember. Miryam probably would have turned one year old this time of year.

We babysat a stray dog one evening during the deep freeze. It dug up some old feelings. What would it have felt like to have a permanent house with a yard, dogs, chickens, and to stay home? To have all six of my children alive and growing together? For all the marriage advice I researched to actually help? For all that prayer and fasting to help my kids’ dad break free?

Half my kids died. The marriage died. Any hope of being a stay at home mom died.

“Though the fig tree does not blossom, And there is no fruit on the vine, The yield of the olive has failed, And the fields brought forth no food, The flock has been cut off from the fold, And there is no herd in the stalls,

Yet I exult in יהוה, I rejoice in the Elohim of my deliverance. יהוה the Master is my strength. And He makes my feet like those of deer, And makes me walk on my high places. To the chief singer with my stringed instruments.”
‭‭Ḥaḇaqquq (Habakkuk)‬ ‭3:17-19‬ ‭TS2009‬‬

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Shine the Light on your Chaos

Watering the garden, I saw the spray reflecting and making a small rainbow in the sunlight. The LORD’s sign of his promise to Noah, to never flood the whole earth again, was simply light on water.

Light. Shining on the very thing that threatened to destroy Noah.

The Hebrew letter “mem” is often associated with The Flood, the sea, multitudes of people and…chaos.

Light shining on the chaos revealed the Dear LORD’s promise to Noah.

Who is the Way, Truth, and Light?

We may have to endure the flood. We don’t know how long it will last. But if we hang tight in the ark and are patient, we will one day see the sign of promise, The Light shining on the chaos. 🌈

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Meat Pies

Townsends on YouTube have a beautiful channel of 18th century cooking episodes. This meat pie looked fabulous, and I’ve always wanted to try one since seeing them on Shaun the Sheep. Here are the original videos and my own recipe card.

Things I noticed:

  • If they say “cover with a damp cloth” use a damp cloth! My dough was getting crusty before it had a chance to bake.
  • I used very lean meat, but my pies filled themselves with gravy, no room to spare. Don’t ask me why.
  • Absolutely make the vents an inch in diameter. Mine were too small to pour gravy into, anyway.
  • The only fats I used were butter and more butter, and I used beef
  • I only baked them one hour at 4,000ft altitude. They can brown a bit more when reheated for supper.